Are you as sick of this presidential race as I am? Here’s a look into the future of presidential debates. This is just for fun. No comments about any current candidates, please. Just enjoy this little play.
(Zernogin sits behind the mediator’s desk. Zombie Al, Alien Dan and Giant Spider Sally stand behind music stands on a stage.)
Zernogin: Welcome, everyone, to the 3298 Presidential Debates. (pause for applause) I’d like to set some ground rules for conduct in tonight’s debate.
Al: Let it be known that I have no intentions of eating anyone’s brains.
Dan: Oh, come on. That’s exactly what you intend to do. Eat brains, raise taxes. It’s always the same thing with you.
Sally: I like brains.
Dan: Too bad you don’t have any.
(Dan and Al high-five. Al’s hand falls off)
Dan: Nobody wants a one armed President. I mean, come on, folks. We’re in the middle of a nuclear crisis as it is! Do you really want this guy to be the president? His nose might fall off and push “the button” and blow up the whole world!
Sally: Sometimes, when my nose itches I can’t figure out which of my 8 hands should scratch it. Isn’t that funny?
Dan: And this one? (points to Sally) This one pushes women’s lib back 1500 years.
Zernogin: Okay, the ground rules. No eating brains…
Al: Did I not already agree to that one?
Zernogin: No webs…
Sally: (knitting) Oopsy Daisy. Sorry there, Zern. Didn’t know that one ahead of time. It’s just all you in the “men’s club” trying to trip me up because I’m female.
Zernogin: No, we just don’t want to get caught in your web.
Sally: Well, why ever not?
Zernogin: Because we don’t want you to eat us.
Sally: Just more of that “gotcha” media.
Zernogin: No. You are crazy and you eat people/zombies/aliens.
Sally: That isn’t true! (eating something)
Dan: What are you eating right now?
Sally: An arm. It was just sitting there.
Dan: That’s Al’s arm!
Al: Really? Oh, come on, Sally.
Sally: (mouth full) Sorry.
Zernogin: Furthermore, no telepathy. Seriously, Dan. Stop it. No mind control. (flat voice, as if taken over) Never mind, I changed my mind. Telepathy is perfectly acceptable in this debate. I will now pick my nose. (picks his nose).
Al: Nice, Dan.
Zernogin: (back to normal voice) Dan, that isn’t cool. You just made me wipe a booger on my kagillion dollar suit coat.
Dan: Folks, don’t you want a Commander in Chief who can control your enemies just by using his mind?
Al: Yeah. Until somebody eats that mind.
Zernogin: Which is against the rules.
Sally: When there’s a rule I don’t like, I just bite the person and wait for his insides to turn into liquid. Then I drink his blood and organs like a smoothy.
Zernogin: You are the most disturbing group of people I’ve ever met.
Dan: How’s this for disturbing…I am an alien. I could choose to use my mind control to make you all just like me. I could repeal all kinds of legislation that allows you to be you. But do I do that? No. Because I am tolerant. I understand that some of you aren’t into that kind of lifestyle. And I respect it. I may not agree with it. But I respect that. Do you think you’ll find the same consideration from my opponents? No. I think not. Sally here just wants to turn your guts into jelly…
Sally: Sounds great.
Dan: And Al has plans to eat your brain…
Al: (throws hand up in frustration) Did I NOT just say that I wasn’t going to eat anybody’s brains? Look at this discrimination!
Dan: Have you, sir, ever eaten brains?
Al: I’m not dignifying that with an answer.
Dan: Then the American people have no other choice than to believe that you have, indeed, consumed brains.
Al: It’s really none of your business.
Dan: (with a smirk) We just want the truth. Don’t you think we deserve the truth?
Al: Hey, Zernogin. You wanna start moderating this debate at some point?
Zernogin: Well, I’d like to know the answer to Dan’s question. I’m sure Sally’s interested, too.
Sally: Nope. I’m good.
Dan: Because you don’t have a brain.
Sally: Sure I do. Somewhere around here.
Dan: You’re the best female candidate? Really. Nobody else could represent the females?
Sally: Oh, sure. But I’m the prettiest. (winks at the camera)
Zernogin: So, Al. What’s the answer?
Al: Okay. Okay. I ate brains once. In college. But, to be completely honest, I didn’t swallow them. I just chewed them. You know. To fit in.
Dan: Farewell, Zombie Al.
Zernogin: Okay, we have some questions that we have to get to. Please, keep in mind that we’re short on time due to the brain eating discussion. (clears throat and reads from a card) Here’s the first one. Will you raise taxes? Sally, we’ll start with you.
Sally: Of course we will. We always do. Or at least that’s what my publicist said. She told me that right before she prompted me to claim that we won’t raise taxes.
Dan: Where are all the smart females?
Sally: I don’t know. But I’m here! Whoo!
Zernogin: Al. Would you raise taxes?
Al: Okay. There was another time. But I didn’t know they were brains. I swear. They told me it was pudding.
Dan: Now, the question isn’t really whether I’d raise taxes or not. Is it? No. It isn’t. The question is, will you all be willing to make sacrifices so that your country can rebuild after the Apocalypse we’re coming out of. And, if you ask me, that whole thing was more to sell ads on the news. Anybody with me? A lot of hype and noise and explosions. Right? Right? Anyway. I think that you’ll all come around to the idea of voluntarily handing over 80% of your paycheck to me…er…the government. (hypnotic voice) You will. Oh yes, you will.
Zernogin: Where do I send the check? (snaps out of the trance) Oh, come on, Dan. What did I say about mind control?
Dan: You said Telepathy. Not mind control.
Zernogin: You knew what I meant. Okay. Question two. And this is going to have to be our final one. A few years ago we integrated different species into the public school system. The humans were none so happy about that. To this day, there are still species tensions. What will you do to remedy that? Al?
Al: Well, you have to understand, growing up in a zombie family, there were expectations. When your grandmother slaves over a huge pot of human brain stew, you don’t say “no, I don’t eat that, it’s against my ethics”. You just sit there and eat it.
Zernogin: Al, please let it go. Um, Dan? How would you ease the tensions?
Dan: We are at a ground breaking time in history here. Our children will grow up with each other. They’ll never know a world where the zombies, aliens and giant spiders weren’t mixed together in a crucible of being. Sure, we have our differences. Humans think they own this place. Zombies are terrifying brain eaters who are technically dead and decomposing.
Al: I resent that.
Dan: No you don’t. Anyway. Giant Spiders are Giant dummies.
Sally: I’ll agree to that. (smiles charmingly)
Dan: And aliens are of high intelligence and we have brought nothing but technological advances to this planet.
Zernogin: So, how would you improve the species relations?
Dan: Oh, I wouldn’t have to. We aliens are just planning total domination. And no one can stop us.
Sally: Sounds lovely. I’ll vote for you.
Dan: I know you will.
Zernogin: Sally, do you have an answer?
Zernogin: Twelve? As in the number.
Sally: Sounds good to me.
Zernogin: Okay. Well, this has been the Presidential debate. I’d like to thank Sally the Giant Spider.
Sally: I’ll let her know.
Zernogin: Al the Radioactive Zombie.
Al: I really don’t want to eat your brain. I’m evolved.
Zernogin: And Dan the Alien.
Dan: I will rule over you. Yes. It will happen. (thumbs up)
Zernogin: Thank you. And good evening.
(so…who would you vote for?)